A Year of 'Firsts'
I always feel focusing on ‘lasts’ brings a bit of sadness though, like you are losing something, or like the feeling you get at New Year’s Eve when the clock strikes 12. They are so final.
Dear Little Owl,
The months leading up to when I got married I always remember Amy and I joking saying, “this is the last time we will go on holiday together not married,” or “this is the last time we will go for a meal not married”, or “this is the last time we will see each other not married”. The exact same thing happened the 9 months leading up to Ivy being born as well, “this is the last Christmas we will have before becoming parents”, or “this is the last time we will go away together before becoming parents” - no one mentioned to me this would be the last time we would ever get a full night’s sleep. They were always the ‘lasts’, joking aside I suppose ‘lasts’ recognise that one significant chapter of your life is closing. I always feel focusing on ‘lasts’ brings a bit of sadness though, like you are losing something, or like the feeling you get at New Year’s Eve when the clock strikes 12. They are so final. Unlike ‘firsts’ which can be filled with excitement, as well as a bit scary. Focusing on ‘lasts’ is about looking back, trying to hold onto something that you will never get back.
The thing is ‘lasts’ are pretty final though aren’t they? This time last year for example I didn’t realise that I would be sharing some of my ‘lasts’ with you, and now you’ve gone ... well that’s pretty sad.
In contrast though this year is turning out to be the year of the ‘firsts’! Our ‘first’ Christmas without you, that was strange but we spent it together as a family with Dan. Our ‘first’ Mother’s Day without you, my ‘first’ birthday which has come and gone without you here, and as much as I was spoilt and really looked after there was one card missing that I wish was there? You always put so much thought into the words in our cards. I recently read some of the cards you had given me over the years - yes surprisingly for someone who doesn’t hold on to things (as you’d always reminded me), I always kept your cards - the cards you gave always had a similar message, how proud you were of me, how much love you had for me and how much joy I gave you.
‘Lasts’ may signify one part of my life is closing but maybe more importantly that means another is beginning.
The other day was another ‘first’. The first time we joked about you and laughed without the sadness or guilt I may have felt a few months earlier. It’s getting easier to talk about you now whereas at first it was difficult in many ways. Doing something for the first time takes courage, and helps you to move forward. “Lasts” may signify one part of my life is closing but maybe more importantly that means another is beginning.
There have been many ‘firsts’ without you Little Owl and some have been harder than others, and there will be many ‘first’ to come, again some will be harder than others. As each first comes and goes though I think it’s getting easier. 7 months have now passed and I feel different than two months ago, as each ‘first’ is ticked off it’s a step forward, and with each new experience you learn a bit more and get stronger. Don’t get me wrong not a day or hour goes by without me thinking about you. There are times I still can’t quite believe it’s true, but then I don’t think I ever will, but I’m starting to learn that to move forward it’s important to take one step at a time. It’s not a race, I don’t need to run or take giant leaps, just look ahead and keep moving at my own pace.
Oh, Ivy is beginning to talk more and more about you as well, the other day she explained the book to someone beautifully, as she turned each page, using the pictures she explained who the characters were, who you were and what was happening. Oh, she also thinks you can speak to Father Christmas? She saw something on TV the other morning that she wanted and said, “if I speak to Nanny can she ask Santa to get it for me?”. Not sure how I’m going to get around this one, because if she gets what she wants she is going to think it’s down to you?
Take care I’ll write again soon,
P.S. So, I’ve decided to go and see a Psychic! I know (another first) I’m probably not your obvious candidate but I’m intrigued. It’s funny how you can be so against something then one day change your mind completely. I’ll let you know how it goes.